.
*~7:44pm*
.
(217th day of the year)
(218th day of a leap year)
.
(148 days until the end of the year)
(roughly 60% through the year)
.
.
“5 august 1984”
(7:44pm)
(“overlook hospital”)
(99 Beauvoir Ave)
*WHERE IS BIRTH WING LOCATED?*
(maybe ‘EMGA’ would know…)
(“make a wish”)
(we’ll try to make your dreams come true…)
(and if we can’t, then we’ll owe you…)
(217th day of the year)
(218th day of a leap year)
(148 days until the end of the year)
*MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE*
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(in the ‘united states’ the issuance of ‘birth certificates’ is a function of the ‘states’)
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*MY BIRTHDAYS*
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*34*
(2018)
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(*sunday*)
(same day of week as my date of birth)
(that must mean SOMETHING)
(then i’ll REALLY be a failure!)
(***BACK TO “XXX”***)
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*33*
(2017)
(*saturday*)
(traveled from brooklyn to watchung for my birthday)
*32*
(2016)
*31*
(2015)
******************************************************************
“5 august 2015”
(*wednesday*)
(arv + kyle came by last night to smoke 3 bowls)
(because it is arv’s dope)
(and kyle wanted to buy $20 of grass off me)
(but we already paid such a premium for the grass)
(so it wouldn’t be worth it)
(dinner @ bahama breeze)
(because that’s where ashley works)
(245 friends posted on “joga james” timeline)
(of 5000 friends)
(less than 5% birthday rate)
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*30*
(2014)
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*5 august 2014*
“the 30th anniversary”
TUESDAY
cheryl gave me a monthly bus pass + haircut
(really the old man paying for all this)
(so roughly $500)
(plus all the food + transportation she’s provided me over the course of the year)
the old man left me a voicemail asking what the plans are for the birthday…
i didn’t bother calling him back…
not sure i want him there…even though he is really the one paying for the dinner…
i told michael anthony (the NYC expert) that i craved steak…he suggested wolfgang’s (locations in both tribeca + midtown)…4 park avenue…(212) 889-3369…figured we go to the midtown location since it’s closer to michael anthony…and i figured i’d be arriving in NYC via penn station…he offered to make the reservation…it’s embarrassing that i can’t even afford to go to a fine restaurant at age 30…i wonder if anyone else will wish me a happy birthday…emily likely will not…
AI plans on making the tuesday dinner…jessica will be taking the kids that night…
i want to drink heavily that night…although i know all eyes will be on me every time i order a gin + tonic…
everyone’s expecting me to move to NYC before the 30th birthday
i wonder what i will get for my birthday…my family won’t give me money because they suspect i’ll buy booze…something i can pawn off?…they’ll rationalize that they’ve already given me so much money over the years that i don’t deserve anything for my birthday…just going out to dinner…
gotta ask for birthday presents…i month train pass from trenton to NYC would be nice…that’d probably run real steep (as it would cost over $900 / month if i took a round trip there each day)…all i really need is food…
cheryl agreed to get me the month train pass next week (when we will allegedly go hiking)…she’s been working all week…without jude’s help…although they split all profits 50/50…she’s going down the shore anyway…wants me to reunite with the old man for the 30th birthday…
get a haircut and shave on your 30th birthday
chatted with AI…i should invite him to the 30th birthday…
he really just wants to make sure the old man comes to my birthday…not even emily…
i’ve reached a new plateau…
turning 30…
the old man seems to want to attend the birthday dinner (just so he won’t have to feel badly about it later)…if i can reap no monetary rewards then what’s the use of him spoiling the celebration…
emily surely won’t come…figures that my day will be overshadowed by the old man as i’m ignored by the young girl…
and then it’ll be all about that “you are a failure” overtone in the air…age 30…unemployed and on welfare…living in a fleabag motel in a new jersey ghetto…about to get off welfare…reliant on parents for food…no fans of art…no upcoming performances or recent releases…out of shape…unkempt…no girlfriend or lovers…with a lingering “substance abuse” problem always a scapegoat…
on monday i started planning for the 30th birthday…i called up the old man and invited him…i had to go through michael anthony to get to him…he was curt because i hadn’t returned his voicemail earlier in the week…but he still agreed to come…
then i needed to get through to emily…left a voicemail but she wasn’t answering her phone…and mike wasn’t able to help…cheryl finally told me that she agreed to come…
called up aunt tammy and she said she’d call the old man to figure out the details…
called up uncle jimmy and he said he’d try to make it…it took me too long to find the # for aunt jackie…also casually invited nick (and his girlfriend) and roboray…neither of them could make it…
cheryl was annoyed that i started inviting people at the last minute…but she agreed to try her best…
forced myself to get my shit together on tuesday…showered and brushed my teeth…got all my belongings together for the trip to NYC…decided to post the “timber” video to facebook…nothing else was ready…clark cotton dug it…he also gave a facebook wall post…
chatted with doctor green before his trip to croatia…mike called at 7:30am to wish me a happy birthday…
other than that i got hardly any birthday wishes on facebook:
james chou
rich bauer
raoul graves
alberto AJ morales
joseph falgares
jackie crowley
no chicks (much less hot chicks) bothered hitting me up…
despite inviting both of them the day before, jimmy and tammy didn’t bother calling on my brithday…nick sent a last-minute text message…even roboray didn’t call…magic dan called while my phone was off…
so cheryl said she made the reservations “for 7 or 8″…jimmy told her he couldn’t make it and he didn’t want nick traveling in the city without him…this seemed suspicious…nick has traveled without them to 2 of my new york shows…
i knew it’d be tough getting through the day on no sleep…i tried my best to keep it together until cheryl arrived at 1pm…
she had to go to the bathroom so we went to burger king…she got me a chicken sandwich / large fries / large coke…i needed something flowing through the system…
she gave me a blank check at hair extraordinare…we were there well before 3pm…read magazines in the waiting area…a middle-aged blonde lady washed my hair…vinny cut the hair / shaved the eyebrows / shaved the beard…$30 overall…i forgot to put the washing lady’s tip on the check…oh well…cheryl said she’d cover it next time she was in…
waited outside for cheryl to arrive…
saw the old man sleeping in my old bedroom…i awkwardly said hello and started getting changed…i was looking good and decided not to take a second shower…let AI know about the plans…went on cheryl’s laptop and posted the video to youtube…
then the old man drove the 3 of us into nyc ’round 4:30pm…i took the backseat…a silent car ride…took the holland tunnel as the lincoln tunnel had too much traffic…we went to a parking garage next door to the restaurant…didn’t listen to any of my music on the way over…
emily met us at wolfgang puck’s at 200 east 54th street (cross street 3rd avenue)…she had a presentation for nursing graduate school at NYU and got there early…i had 2 gin and tonics at the bar…AI and michael anthony arrived after we were seated…got a pinot grigio for the table…even though red wine goes with steak…AI gave me $100 and a card…the parents and mike both brought cards…i didn’t care much about the food…i wanted to get as blitzed as possible although i knew cheryl would be eyeing me down…didn’t eat any chips or bread…just a bacon appetizer and crab meat…
got the porterhouse steak for 4 for the men of the table…medium rare…with creamed apinach…i started craving a cigarette so AI went with me to buy a pack of newports…then the food arrived…i wolfed mine down when i saw i was falling behind…
i was loud and obnoxious as the drinks flowed…but this only served to break the ice…especially with emily…who came outside for me for two cigarettes and noted how quickly i was smoking them…at one point i started singing and the old men told me to keep it down because other patrons were looking at us…i was drinking gin and tonics and white wine…i also went on a jesus rant as well as a rant against israel and the jews…the old man supported israel but michael anthony did not…i inappropriately kissed emily on the lips…cheryl read me a poem…i started gushing everyone with praise…got some cake and ice cream as i sang happy birthday to myself along with everyone else…then i got my belongings from the car and went back with AI…we parked in my old east village neighborhood on 9th and 1st…i took a piss outside but no one seemed to notice…we moved to several more bars…i got turned down repeatedly…two girls claimed they were on a date…we were going to go to washington square park so i could play some tunes but decided to head out of the city before midnight…AI bought me another pack of newports…
AI gave me a tour of the rental house on johnston drive…then we went on the back deck and smoked some bowls…i continued chain smoking cigarettes as AI started dipping…i got thoroughly stoned (but i was also exhausted)…we probably crashed ’round 3am…i slept in the guest room…wild closed-eyed hallucinations quickly turned ugly…
jimbo gave me $75 and a birthday card…
i chastised mister batt for not wishing me happy birthday via facebook…he told me that he was traveling with his wife…
cheryl wanted to do alfie’s wednesday at 7pm…jackie said nathan had football tryouts until 8pm…like the entire family needed to be present…i’ll just go back whenever i go hiking with cheryl…
cheryl will pick me up @ 5pm…will she drive me back to the motel?…i’m afraid to ask…and i have no money for a train…and she knows i SHOULD have money (the $98 check / lying about busking)…did she assume that AI gave me birthday money?…
we’re going to alfie’s…will jimbo give me some dough?…
nick and jim are picking up a car at 6pm?…7pm dinner…the old man will be having a “work dinner” (yea right) and emily is down the shore (yea right)…well that eases some tension…i wonder if abigail will bother showing up…i may as well get plastered and then go to ivy inn karaoke…give cheryl some new tracks on flashdrive…
so cheryl hit traffic (as usual)…
she came ’round 6:45pm…
with food and clean clothes…
i pretended to have more laundry than i really did…
(to disguise the fact that i hardly ever change my clothes)
we stopped at walgreen’s to buy her a 4GB flash drive
(so i could give her my music)
but it’ll have to wait two weeks…
she’s going to chicago (again)
alfie’s doesn’t have a liquor license (bummer)
and cheryl didn’t bring wine
the whole crowley family came to dinner
and gave me $75 with a card
abby didn’t look so good
it was stilted conversation
(until jackie started pouring the two bottles of red wine)
i went with coke and water
and caesar salad
and fried calamari
and a veal chop
(i donated my bone to the crowley dog)
i sat at the head of the table
(nick to my left / cheryl to my right)
cheryl gave me her leftovers
and we did another one candle birthday cake…i actually ate the cake this time…
and a double espresso for dessert
i was even scrounging for cigarette butts outside while pretending to go to the bathroom
some cute girls there getting ready to go back to college…
(nick leaves sunday)
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*29*
(2013)
******************************************************************
*5 AUGUST 2013*
(living @ ’61 clearview avenue’)
(princeton NJ)
(slept @ the meatball’s midtown apartment)
(went into NYC the day before)
who wished me “happy birthday”:
mike gatti
cheryl gatti
anthony ingrassia
michael rolland
(…only because i’d been trying to reach him all day to no avail)
daniel rolland
john cashman (upon my notice)
jarron + lauren
(albeit prematurely and upon my notice)
(although they were the first to wish me happy birthday)
richard bauer (twice)
joseph battiato (on behalf of his wife as well?)
nicholas zoppi (he called me “buddy”?)
jamie waryn
socrates cruz
james chou
deepti zalavadia (she’s married!)
tracy alexandra bjelland
(she’s norwegian…and she called me “darling”…and we’ve never quite met…and she signed the note “Txx”…and any surname that begins in “BJ” makes me quite uncomfortable…(*cue Bjork song “JoGa”*))
matt crowley
jackie crowley (a day late)
(we went to the “capital grill” on cheryl’s tab (aka the old man’s tab))
*28*
(2012)
******************************************************************
“5 august 2012”
(i was stranded in brick NJ)
(mama and champ took me to a japanese restaurant in manhattan)
(what was the name?)
(didn’t receive a phone call from the old man nor the sister)
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*27*
(2011)
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“5 august 2011”
(the whole family went fluke fishing in ‘point pleasant’)
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*26*
(2010)
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“5 august 2010”
*local legends unite*
stay tuned for a concert commemorating 26 years of wallowing in relative obscurity!
the old man took me fluke fishing in point pleasant…
*thanks everyone!*
spent the morning fluke fishing, the afternoon entertaining
underprivileged children ranging in age 9 – 21 (two of whom also shared a birthday), and the evening at water + wine enjoyed burnt cream, short ribs, and tartare. several gin and tonics later, here i am updating you all on the events surrounding the conclusion of my twenty-sixth successful orbit ‘round the sun…
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*25*
(2009)
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“5 august 2009”
mama was cruising bermuda with grandma skip. champ was in NYC. after a misunderstanding between the old man and i, he ended up taking emily out to dinner @ water + wine without me…
larnald and i drove into NYC (after i pigged out @ wendy’s drive-thru). because i was driving, i couldn’t even get drunk! larnald filmed me as a ton of chicks turned me down at bars. we ended up @ the cafe orlin…
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*24*
(2008)
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“5 august 2008”
i was getting stoned @ my NYC apartment and recording the “he done died” chant. christine hauer was the first to wish me a happy birthday. mama came to pick me up and bring me back to watchung. i was still ultra-wary of the old man…
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*23*
(2007)
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“5 august 2007”
i was all bummed out after a lukewarm hookup with emily schiller back in watchung. ended up having dinner with the extended family @ cafe giardino…
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*22*
(2006)
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“5 august 2006”
(down the ‘jersey shore’)
(at the family beachhouse @ ‘chadwick beach island’)
(‘version 1’)
(i had been living down there since ‘april 2006’)
(and i had just finished recording ‘finest hour’ in ‘june 2006’)
the old man wanted to take me out with joe falgares. i was too busy getting stoned and changing my guitar strings. the old man was extremely hurt + offended…
i ended up getting a visit from danny rolland + chris valerio. we went to the seaside heights boardwalk and attempted to pick up chicks. valerio was even willing to take down the plain jane of the bunch. we ended up meeting with the chicks on the seacrest beach that night.
(i believe ‘valerio’ was the only one who got any action that night)
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*21*
(2005)
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“5 august 2005”
21st birthday
(spent the day with mark blumberg @ the colorado cafe)
i got very drunk on my 21st birthday at the colorado cafe. marcus blumberg drunk drove for me that night. i attempted to stay up all night that night but it’s harder than it sounds…
(spent the next night barhopping with ‘alex kenwell’)
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*20*
(2004)
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“5 august 2004”
(the ‘crowley clan’ (along with marava) came to the ‘watchung compound’)
(the gatti family was there as well)
(tony and the old man seemed impressed with ‘marava’)
(along with jimmy)
(before my last year @ ‘harvard’)
(i had just finished my second and final summer internship with ‘cantor fitzgerald’)
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*19*
(2003)
*18*
(2002)
*17*
(2001)
*16*
(2000)
*15*
(1999)
*14*
(1998)
*13*
(1997)
“5 august 1997”
had a huge backyard bash for my 13th birthday party
(christopher waryn as tennis court DJ)
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*12*
(1996)
*11*
(1995)
*10*
(1994)
*9*
(1993)
*8*
(1992)
*7*
(1991)
*6*
(1990)
*5*
(1989)
*4*
(1988)
*3*
(1987)
*2*
(1986)
*1*
(1985)
*0*
(1984)
*CUSTOMS*
“BIRTHDAY CAKE”:
(cue ‘gerard seinfield’ in a ‘whiny jew’ voice: “who likes birthday cake?”)
(i sure don’t!)
(and a candle for each year you’ve lived)
(the birthday boy blows out the candles, spouting his saliva all over the cake)
(when i was a young boy, they’d let me bury my head into the cake)
(the cakes had themes like “ghostbusters” and “superman”)
(you’re supposed to “make a wish” when you blow out the candles)
(and you’re not supposed to tell anyone this particular wish)
*BIRTHS*
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“neil armstrong”
(‘5 august 1930’)
john huston
jonathan silverman
loni anderson
tawny kitaen
adam yauch
pat smear
patrick ewing
(‘helene fischer’ was born on this date)
(russian-born german singer + entertainer)
.
*DEATHS*
“marilyn monroe”
(1962)
“richard burton”
(born 1925)
(died ‘5 august 1984’)
.
*NOTABLE EVENTS*
“battle of maserfield”
(642)
(a welsh battle between anglo-saxon kings)
(one is to be played by richard burton)
according to the rents, a restaurant was bombed and a man was murdered on my birthday…
(he went to ‘hedge fund heaven’)
.
*HOLIDAZE*
“international beer day”
(beginning in 2007)
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.
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💕💝💖💓🖤💙🖤💙🖤💙🖤❤️💚💛🧡❣️💞💔💘❣️🧡💛💚❤️🖤💜🖤💙🖤💙🖤💗💖💝💘
.
.
*🌈✨ *TABLE OF CONTENTS* ✨🌷*
.
.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥*we won the war* 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥