(in ‘december 2010′ i began dating ’emma wolin’…)
(i’m constantly destroying myself with jealousy over suspicion of emma’s dalliances with ‘older men’…)
(ones even older than i)
(especially those i consider unworthy of her ‘charms’…)
(and my ‘charms’, i mean ‘tits’)
like the fathers of her friends…
like her own father…
for example, i noted in ‘summer 2012’ that she was ‘facebook friends’ with a certain “matt mattheiss” (a ‘chubby balding goateed man’ in his ’50s’ sporting a ‘guitar’ in his ‘profile pic’…)
(‘digital’ archetype of ‘boulevard of ‘broken dreamers’ (and ‘poor performers’)
since it listed “columbia senior high school” in his profile, i assumed he was her teacher…
the new facebook allows you to view when two people became “friends”…i noted that emma wolin and matthew mattheiss became friends in january 2009…she had just turned 16…he was approaching 50…in other words, she was “fair game” in new jersey…the fact that she isn’t friends with his daughter (who went to high school with her and is a grade older) still irks me…and this is coupled with the fact that i continue to catch flak (from old people of course) for being legitimately attracted to 16-year-old girls (despite the inherent “legality”)…
but then i noted that he began appearing in her “top 8” friends box for a stretch…this seemed to indicate that she was in regular contact with him (at least during that time)…although she didn’t show up in his “top 8” (perhaps guilt associated with an affair)…when i researched him further, i wasn’t so sure that he was even a teacher…just that he also had attended the same high school as her…i looked up his painfully limp acoustic music…then i noted to myself that gullible emma was easily swayed by musicians of varying skill…he was the last person i’d ever want emma to have any sort of “fling” with, the type of shitty middle-aged musician who wouldn’t hang up the guitar and used his middle-aged connections to crowd out the beginner bars where i always had trouble getting booked…since emma had already told me that my “music fuckin sucks” and she “hates it”, then in all likelihood she probably had to like his music at least a little better than mine! (although he didn’t have a facebook artist page, there were several interviews with local reporters where he seemed to take “recording his first album” seriously and that he thought it would “make some noise”)…seemed he operated a music studio in south orange and performed regularly @ “maplewoodstock” (which emma’s mother is a facebook fan of)…
(funny how emma’s mom never once thought to facebook fan my page during the 4 months we were dating…she attended my rolf’s show but didn’t have anything nice to say afterwards…i even dedicated a song to her and emma…and nothing!…they didn’t even clap after most of the songs (they just let me get heckled by middle-aged drunks)…they didn’t take any pictures despite the elaborate stage setup + background projector i’d put together myself (which included a painting that emma and i had done together)…and then they left early…emma just kissed me and said “i’m so proud of you” before asking to see me more often in the coming week (we broke up the week later)…when i saw her that wednesday, she didn’t say anything about the show (other than the fact that a middle-aged ex-cop flirted with her at the bar and she told her art teacher that she had an “art exhibit” that weekend)…)
back to the story…
then i noted that this “matt” was divorced with 2 children (cailin and derrick) who also attended columbia senior high school…cailin 1 year older than emma and derrick 3 years older…then i noted that emma was not friends with either cailin nor derrick (even though she has over a thousand facebook friends of all shapes and ages)…furthermore, a healthy portion of emma’s high school facebook friends WERE friends with cailin and derrick…since matt only had ~500 facebook friends and most were middle-aged like himself, i focused on the smattering of hot young hipster chicks that he was friends with…all of them were also friends with his children…this led me to suspect that emma and matt had some sort of fling which subsequently led to a rift between emma and his children…if he were a teacher, wouldn’t he be friends with more high school students?…did she meet him at maplewoodstock and fall for his lame tunes?…did she attend one of his “street cleaning” expeditions? (although since his kids took part in these as well it would stand to reason that she’d be more likely to be friends with them)…for some reason, i couldn’t figure out the year they became friends from either profile (even if you aren’t FB friends with someone, you can still see which friends the user added by year)…then i thought, “who friended who?”…
if matt friended emma, then that’d irk me just knowing that his lascivious intentions were all too obvious…
if emma friended matt, then that’d irk me more since that’d indicate a genuine attraction towards a middle-aged man (and a loser at that!)…
it seems that they became friends through “ryan galbraith”…a married man from austin texas…he and emma had been friends since november 2008 (when she was 15 years old)…he plays the “stand-up bass” (just like her)…i’m assuming he taught her how to play…and he’s not friends with her siblings nor parents…hmmm…
i’d ridden my old trek bicycle to a “softball game” organized by matthew mattheiss…it went to raising money for some sort of drug rehabilitation program (heroin?)…joey calabro was there as well…some indian-looking dude explained the program via a billboard screen (on a nearby city street)…matt mattheiss explained that only “senior members” of the drug rehabilitation program were going to be allowed to participate…i noted on the bigscreen that mattheiss’s older brother (some sort of local musician) seemed to have died of a drug overdose…matt explained that this wouldn’t be a “game”, more like batting practice (with the rest of the participants taking the field)…he warned the pitcher to be careful of line drives…(the young male pitcher wasn’t even wearing a glove)…we all were given black t-shirts to wear…tracy ferruggia was first to go to bat…she goofily made slight contact and tripped as she ran to first base in high heels…her father stood near the dugout and seemed extremely disappointed…i volunteered to go to bat next…i hit a few long balls (the fence seemed of a little league distance)…then i went to the “announcer’s booth” (which resembled the watchung hills football announcer’s booth)…mattheiss asked for help in programming the music to the big screen…”ZZ Top” and “The Beach Boys”…at first, he seemed friendly but after asking for help, he said “5 minutes”, implying that this was some sort of task i was expected to complete…i mistakenly hit the “back” button and couldn’t figure out how to get to the main menu…paul malchow appeared at this time and tried helping me…i started becoming jealous of mattheiss’s relationship with emma wolin and decided i wouldn’t ever take orders from a loser like this…so i darted out of there…i heard mattheiss ask for a “microphone” and i suspected he would mock me as i exited the premises…instead it seemed he was just making regular announcements about the event…i ran past a few little league games and got a bit nervous that i’d be hit by a hardball…finally i made it down to hillcrest road…adam cornelisse and his mother offered me a ride…they took me to some office where adam was wrapping christmas presents…he had made up tiny packages for “7 days of christmas”…in addition to me the rest of the gatti family, carla lunardoni and a slew of other random names were named on the packages…i realized that i’d forgotten my bike at the baseball fields and missus cornelisse seemed unwilling to drive me back…without a lock, i feared it would be stolen by the next day (and i seemed to remember that i needed it for transportation to a job i’d recently been hired for)…
sitting on a beach with the old man in the early evening…i was discussing my investigation of matt mattheiss…suddenly we were surrounded by a crowd young children (11 – 14 years old)…they sat between us…
reading through a “rolling stone” magazine…mark mattheiss was the writer of the article…he mentioned matt mattheiss (“you may not have heard of him, but…”)…
14 may 2013:
what put the checking account in overdraft was the nasty facebook message (accidentally sent twice) to matt mattheiss (i used my “cosmicreep” alter-ego since emma already knows that i use “charlie brown”)…i found that i can’t log-in the passwords i set (and wrote down) for many of my facebook alter-egos (the first being “alpha whale”)…this applies to both facebook and g-mail…this disturbs me…
anyway, the double message cost me $2…which was enough to give my checking account a negative balance (and incur a $10 overdraft fee)…but at least i got that off my chest…it was only because i realized that he was coming up high on emma’s “friends” list (as was she on is)…i suspected maybe it was because i obsessively looked at both their profiles (and facebook could tell) but then i realized that the same was true when i searched their friends list on my “cosmicreep” profile…i can only conclude that they must’ve had some sort of contact…i contact bear the thought of this middle-aged loser promoting his “music” to emma (much less she being receptive)…and she’ll be back in maplewood for two weeks and i’m sure he’s plotting…maybe he was just a janitor at columbia senior high school…i think it’s a trend in the maplewood area for older men to cavort with busty white “hipsters”…i noted another jewish middle-aged “artist” named “mikel frank” was friends with lots of emma’s prettiest friends…and his “prom pictures” had far more solo shots of a busty blonde named “olivia tarplin” then his own daughter…
anyway, what’s a 50+ year old man doing being a “facebook friend” of a teenage girl who’s not even friends with his daughter (who is roughly the same age and went to the same school)?
23 june 2013:
also observed that i now can’t view the facebook friends list of neither emma wolin nor matthew mattheiss (although i can observe the friends list of most everyone else on facebook)…this only got my blood boiling even more…i know emma probably knows the “charlie brown” alter ego is actually joga, but how did matt mattheiss make a move on me? are they still in contact?
i’m fighting off masochistic visions of a barely-16 emma wolin + her busty friends pampering the pathetic old goat matt mattheiss and worshipping his stale music in the privacy of his studio… i’ve wasted too much time thinking about that loser…
5 september 2013:
i’ve gotta stop getting hung up on emma wolin and matt mattheiss…it’s killing my productivity…but my instincts always seem to be right…i’m not sure whether to wage a full-out digital assault on all that offends me or remain remote…
10 june 2014:
i’m still hung up on the thought of matt mattheiss + emma wolin…
(this usually occurs after an initial orgasm)
(the second wave of libido encourages this bitterness)
i rubbed one out to hipster chicks (because i was so frustrated at my situation)…imagined matt mattheiss seducing emma wolin and michelle mancuso (who looked very similar in their bikini pics with their assortment of hipster necklaces and general bustiness)…
i was rehearsing with a band for an upcoming performance…the rest of the band consisted of men in their late 30s / early 40s…i was standing at the front and the other 5 members formed a half circle that led to me…they all seemed to be playing either drums or bass (although there may have been one guy playing keyboards)…to my left was someone that resembled matt mattheiss (but he called himself “droid”)…i believe the second guy was named “shawn”…i was sure to ask them all their names (most of which were incredibly bizarre)…i assumed they were all nicknames…i was playing an acoustic guitar…i wasn’t sure whether we were actually practicing or performing (i couldn’t see an audience but i assumed that they were somewhere outside the room and could hear us playing)…so i began by introducing the band…when i got to the third member (a drummer) i blanked on his name…i became incredibly embarrassed and wondered how this slight would affect his performance…then i flubbed the next two names…i didn’t bother introducing myself…the other members seemed to laugh it off but i wanted to have a “do-over”…but it turned out we were only rehearsing after all…the performance was the following evening…at that point a young girl entered the premises and started setting up an electric guitar rig…she said it was time to rehearse her song…she started shredding on a bass-like instrument…i went off to the side and waited my turn (even though i felt like we hadn’t adequately rehearsed any of my songs)…then a middle-aged lady came in with a young brunette who seemed musically clueless…it was time to rehearse her song…she ran through the vocals and seemed entirely incapable of singing in tune…nonetheless the middle-aged woman praised her…i sulked in the corner, content to let someone else back her up on guitar…but the woman insisted that i back her up on acoustic guitar…the girl handed me a book that diagrammed the guitar part in tablature form…some sort of A B A D D A pattern that ascended up the fretboard (with some open strings thrown in for good measure)…i didn’t think i would be heard above the rest of the band anyway…i vowed that when i assumed the microphone, i’d use my electric guitar…
i spotted matt mattheiss outside civil court…only he looked nothing like the real matt mattheiss…i browsed a yearbook and noted that he had a picture of an acoustic guitar to represent himself…but his brother mark had a picture of himself performing…this version of matt mattheiss looked somewhat like an older fatter mike kownacki with white hair…
(he was talking to another man and complaining about his ‘asthma’…)
(i went back into the civil courtroom to make sure that i was free to go…)
.
.
*👨🔬🕵️♀️🙇♀️*RESEARCH JOURNALS*🙇♂️👩🔬🕵️♂️*
.
.
.
.
💕💝💖💓🖤💙🖤💙🖤💙🖤❤️💚💛🧡❣️💞💔💘❣️🧡💛💚❤️🖤💜🖤💙🖤💙🖤💗💖💝💘
.
.
*🌈✨ *TABLE OF CONTENTS* ✨🌷*
.
.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥*we won the war* 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥