*MONTHLY HAIRCUT*
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*28 JULY 2015*
(in dire need of a haircut)
cheryl said she could come thursday or friday…
but i probably can’t go back to watchung for a haircut from vinny…
i’d like to get a haircut with arv before i hit NYC friday…
he gets one from a guatamalan…
$15…
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*5 AUGUST 2014*
cheryl called…
she rescheduled the haircut for 12:30pm on tuesday…
said it was a birthday present “from us” (meaning her and the old man)…this way i won’t feel guilty about including an eyebrow waxing and beard shaving to the procedure…i wonder if vinny can trim my anal + pubic hair…i should go for the total makeover package…
pedicure…
manicure…
the middle-aged blonde woman washed my hair (i forgot to tip her)…vinny shaved my beard and eyebrows and gave me a haircut…$30 total…
note how dudes don’t let themselves be defined by their hair color? women ARE “blondes”, “brunettes”, “redheads”…but i’d never let myself be referred to as a “brunette” (i’m a man, not a “brun”!)
at age 7, i decided i wanted to cut off all my head hair…by then i was a patron of “franklin’s barbershop” at the watchung triangle…i requested a “crew cut”…instead of lollipops, they offered free “bazooka joe” bubble gum (complete with miniature comic strips)…they also had “mad magazine” issues available as you waited to get your head shaved…
at age 8, the hair had grown back and i became obsessed with “hair gel”…before i left for school each morning, cheryl would apply hair gel from the kitchen sink…
by age 11, i was being mocked for this follicular tendency…just read my sixth grade yearbook to see that most chicks ostensibly didn’t approve of this predeliction for grease…it was mostly “plain jane minorities” that negatively commented on this (read: natalie declerk / zainub rakla)…
by this time, i’d become obsessed with scoring the “mushroom cut” being sported by all the young male blonde “child stars” of the day…and so i started getting my hair cut from an asian faggot named “thomas”…working at cheryl’s warren shopping center hair salon…where she used to spend hours each week getting her “nails done” while her children loitered about for hours with nothing else to do except eat bagels and wander the sidewalks…
eventually “tommy” relocated to piscataway…over the next year or so i continued to get my haircut from him…he was definitely into me…at a time when i was overly anxious for puberty to take hold, he noticed the hair on the back of my neck and assured me that i’d soon enough “have a hairy chest”…i was quite relieved at the time…
at age 12, i started to grow “facial hair”…i’d been waiting patiently for several years for that moment to arrive…i’d been a year-long fan of the beatles and seen just how important facial hair (specifically the “sergeant pepper” moustaches) were to their “artistic growth”…mine started with the usual “puppy dog moustache”…i knew it was gonna come sooner or later judging by the old man’s much-thicker-than-average stubble…i associated facial hair with “masculinity” (probably quite rightly)…
ironically enough, at the same time, i noted that a female classmate of mine (natalie d’amato) was also sprouting a moustache nearly as thick as my own…she was another product of a fat italian (although her old man prematurely died)…me being an utterly cruel self-serving teenager (and who wasn’t sexually attracted to her at all), i mocked her for the sprout…and so she ended up applying “nair” to her upper lip (which i’ve since learned is what women use to wax their legs)…and then the poor little puppy showed up at school the next morning with an absolutely brutal scar under the lip…
(i still don’t feel particularly bad for this…)
’round age 13 i began to let my hair grow…but it didn’t grow down…it grew up…in a “pseudo-afro” way…so much so that i acquired the nickname “puffy”…shane taylor (my alleged “best friend” at the time) routinely mocked me for this…as did the younger brother…probably served me right…in the years before this, i’d dubbed him “spikey mikey” for his similar follicular tendencies…his hair grew straight up…i also mocked the younger sister for her hair to curl as it grew (cue “curly Q”)…
(at the end of the day, we all just craved long straight blonde hair…)
by the end of middle school, i realized that i’d become involuntarily engaged in some sort of bizarre biological competition to reach some sorta “sexual maturity” before the rest of’em did…and hair growth became what it was all about…during a summer job between 8th and 9th grade, i bragged to my co-worker mark blumberg about my “ass hair”…he (being less developed at the time), simply rationalized that this was “the most unpleasant aspect of puberty”…
at age 14, i started to shave my face…i grew my first beard at age 15…my assistant wrestling coach “scotland soletto” chided me for it…he’d already had a male child out of “wedlock” by then so i didn’t take him quite so seriously…
playing the role of the meathead athlete, my hair was way short during the high school years…and as an academic, i was totally overwhelmed with homework…so when puberty kicked in, i started picking at the inevitable face pimples due to extreme stress…this resulted in repulsive facial scars that plagued me during the course of the high school years…especially during the winter wrestling season…my classmate eric grodeck (a far inferior wrestler) noted this tendency and warned me that i before long i was going to permanently damage my hair follicles (meaning i could never grow a beard again!)…
that wasn’t the end of it…the friend that’d been forced onto me since age 7 (alex kenwell) was actually an “expert” on hair (despite his own hair being nothing quite spectacular)…an ex-“employee” of another italian hairdresser named “joseph falgares”…one night, during a “family dinner”, he asserted that girls were inherently turned off by my “unibrow”…i’d never even noticed before but he was actually absolutely right…from that day on, i made sure the unibrow was waxed everytime i got a haircut…
the next “beard” i grew was during my two weeks @ philmont ’round age 17…the old man seemed proud…
during my freshman spring @ harvard, i inadvertently pulled a metal stake into the left side of my face while trying to impress a bunch of geeks during a drunken friday night…i suspect that this is the reason that my beard doesn’t quite connect on the left side…(btw, my freshman roommate was a baby-faced irish bostonian who couldn’t grow a beard to save his life…)
during the third (and final) year @ harvard, i started growing out the head hair…i’d more than observed that not a single female peer was willing to have sex with me…and so i decided that i may as well grow out the hair before i retrospectively went bald…(in retrospect it was a suicidal trip…
i returned to the jersey shore in the summer of 2005 (the week before the college graduation ceremony)…the old man was threatened by the long hair…by then i’d already formed a more-than-comfortable stream of semi-sexual relationships with slightly younger chicks along the chadwick beach island lagoon…they called to me from across the bay one friday evening…my “wingman” little eddie was accompanying me…the alarmed old man got all herky-jerky and pulled little eddie aside…”what are they talking about?”..little eddie simply smiled and nodded…five minutes later, the old man accosts me inside…”why do you always wave your hair out of your face?”…it was a totally inappropriate (and bizarre) statement seemingly sprung out of the sexually envious herky-jerkiness that most meatheads can’t quite express (in lieu of athletics…)
i made my first real attempt at a “beard proper” in spring 2008…it didn’t quite connect ’round the mouth…liliana rose’s father compared me to “cat stevens” when we performed @ 169 bar in chinatown…
keep in mind i was also employed @ wall street bank jpmorganchase at the time…my “supervisor” erin sheehan continually made “passive-aggressive comments” about my beard…99% passive / 1% aggressive….
i showed up at my younger brother’s college graduation looking better than any italian renaissance depiction of “jesus christ”…
(and all i got was a ball-busting by my “younger cousin” abigail…)
hairbrush
(“conair”)
“shampoo” is a hindi word
“suave hair”
removal of oils / dirt / skin particles / dandruff / pollutants that build up in hair naturally
conditioner –>
something that improves quality of something else
alberto VO5
(shampoo / conditioner)
(“tea therapy” / vanilla mint tea)
in my obsessive-compulsive days, i insisted on getting a haircut on the first of every month (or the next day the salon was open)…
(i’m so loyal to vincent lordi)
(i can’t trust another with my hair)
(which everyone seems to compliment me on)
(especially hot chicks)
even blumberg started going to a manhattan “high-end hairstylist” in summer 2004
(as encouraged by margaux)
now i can’t even afford a haircut!
(and mama refuses to pay for a vincent lordi haircut)
(she’ll only pay for a cheap “supercut”)
*hair extraordinaire*
(closed on sundays + mondays)
(tuesday: 9am – 8pm)
(wednesday: 9am – 5pm)
(vinny is off)
(thursday: 9am – 8pm)
(friday: 9am – 6pm)
(saturday: 8:30am – 4:30pm)
(908)756-7110
vincent lordi
(908)432-2655
angelo lordi
(908)591-1880
workers:
“michelle”
(sexy brunette)
(married with children)
at age 15, i started getting my hair cut at “the man” (again at the watchung triangle)…under the influence of cheryl…the owner “vincent lordi” became my favorite hairdresser for a long time…i’d already been a pop warner teammate of his youngest son angelo lordi…he was a year younger than i…he was a terrible football player…ironically enough, vincent was also the hairdresser of “uncle bob” toresco (who produced national champion italian-american “football players” even though he’d never cut it in the NFL himself)…
(moves from watchung to warren)
sandy is the old blonde helper now who washed my hair
she was sitting in the patient chair upon arrival
i didn’t even tip her
hair extraordinaire has a stamp for checks now
the black haired chick was arriving as i left
the small-tittied bitch was also there
angelo was fixing his old jaguar
vincent hadn’t seen my mother in months
danielle padron (i tipped her $5 for doing my eyebrows)
vinny is booked all tuesday afternoon
(only free @ noon + 4pm)
(29 october 2013)
*guy thomas hair salon*
39 west 54th street
(between park + broadway)
(212)757-3874
(guy thomas hair salon charges men’s haircuts $35 and up!)
(that’s cheaper than vinny!)
(charges more for ‘principal stylist’)
paul mccartney goes there for his haircuts (according to gossip columnist “cynthia adams” of the NY post). i was tempted to try to slip him a demo CD one day (or pay one of the employees to pass it along to him) i never ended up following through
i got a haircut in january 2010 from vincent lordi
(i hadn’t had a haircut in months)
i returned in march 2010…
i haven’t had a haircut in months
(i don’t have a car to drive myself to hair extraordinaire)
(which means i now also have a nasty unibrow)
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*26 JUNE 2014*
(cheryl promises a visit to hair extraordinaire next week)
(does this mean she will also pay?)
(probably but grudgingly)
(i need a haircut)
.
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*11 JANUARY 2017*
(last haircut was ‘thanksgiving 2016’)
(paid for by the old man)
(@ greatclips)
(55 mountain boulevard)
(watchung NJ)
($25)
(with $5 tip)
(cute young hispanic hipster named ‘rose’)
(she also shaved my beard)
(i don’t wash my hair on a regular basis)
(due to lack of showers)
(but i’ll shower today)
(with my old spice ‘2 in 1’ shampoo + conditioner)
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*25 OCTOBER 2021*
*I NEED A HAIRCUT*
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💕💝💖💓🖤💙🖤💙🖤💙🖤❤️💚💛🧡❣️💞💔💘❣️🧡💛💚❤️🖤💜🖤💙🖤💙🖤💗💖💝💘
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*🌈✨ *TABLE OF CONTENTS* ✨🌷*
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥*we won the war* 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥