*MY WRESTLING ACHIEVEMENTS*
(or ‘lack thereof’)
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“WINTER 1991”:
(i started wrestling ’round ‘age 6’)
in first grade
(age 6)
(we wrestled on saturday mornings @ watchung hills gymnasium)
(scotland shallcross was my first coach)
(son colin was my age)
(out of (‘warren’ / ‘NJ’)
(began wrestling at age 6)
(first grade)
(it was just a saturday morning instructional session)
(no matches)
(a “Warren / Watchung / Long Hill” collective)
‘The Shallcross Sons’
‘Coach Devine’
‘Coach Schon’
before that, was only aware of the “WWF” (world wrestling federation). wrestling as theater.
his first coach was the redhead scott shallcross. he had a son colin his age and son derrick one year younger. they were both much better wrestlers…
at age 8, he wrestled in his first competitive match against madison. it was a win by pin…
then boy E broke his left arm at the end-of-season wrestling tournament in nutley NJ (“land of the guido”). he blamed it on “uncle bob” toresco (a “flemington falcon”). in the semifinal round of the 75-pound division, boy E was slated to wrestle a flemington falcon. from neutral position,
(the opponent easily took me down and i landed squarely on my left elbow)
(cue referee “2 points”! as left arm dangles from the victim’s ‘body’)
LESSONS:
“prepare more diligently than your opponent”
“RASSLERS”
(according to benson)
(i broke my left arm in a wrestling match)
(my final bout of the year)
(“winter 1993”)
(my first competitive wrestling season)
(3rd grade)
(“nutley” tournament)
(inflicted by a “flemington falcon”)
(75-pound weight class)
(even if i hadn’t been injured)
(i wish i had lost the match)
(but was my opponent disqualified?)
(or did he employ a legitimate move on me?)
(it was my arms that they were always trying to break)
During my senior year, I suffered through another athletic humiliation
My slot was usurped by a sophomore (and they had even retroactively appointed me team captain that November because Smith saw a ‘new Joe Gatti’ emerging). They were right, but the ‘new Joe Gatti’ sure wasn’t a wrestler.
Champ vs. DiLeo
(Rematch slated for 2012)
Lunch Pail was the warrior of the Gatti clan.
During his senior year campaign against Seton Hall Preparatory (who the fuck needs to be prepped to go to Seton Hall?), he bumped up a weight class (152 –> 160) to face formidable foe Angelo DiLeo (at that time the #2 ranked 160 lb. wrestler in the state of NJ). He defeated DiLeo 7-6 in a thrilling overtime victory to give the WH Warriors a 1-point team victory over Seton Hall. The state wrestling forums (= loser former jocks let loose on the World Wide Web) began taking notice of Michael Gatti.
I was preparing to walk onto the wrestling team as a college freshman
(it was an identity I forged for myself during orientation week)
(‘the wrestler’, no not Mickey Rourke)
(right into the jaws of the beast)
And I befriended an earnest young conservative Christian wrestler named Michael who lived on my dorm floor.
The coach (Jay Weiss) strongly advised me not to walk onto the team
(I’m thankful for that)
(just as I am thankful for Wacky Kanacki)
(they saved me from eternal damnation)
‘Flanagan’s Folly’
‘Ryan Tyler Torture’
(scott shallcross taught me the importance of this maxim in middle school wrestling)
(when he told me i needed to start lifting weights in seventh grade)
(before that i always thought i should wait until ‘my bones grew’ after puberty)
(according to my old man)
(who just wanted to contrast the gung-ho toresco weightlifting approach)
(by not lifting at all)
(my old man’s “winter sport”)
(in lieu of the more popular “basketball”)
(i was decent at basketball in “one-on-one” games)
(but i was otherwise terrible)
“COLLEGE WRESTLING”
(i was ready to walk onto the harvard wrestling team)
(during first year of college)
(only because i had built myself up as a ‘wrestler’ in the first week)
(mostly to impress girls and earn respect of guys)
(and i liked the concept of rigorous training on my own)
(although i always hated wrestling practice wih others)
(i preferred to train by myself)
(i didn’t even like having other people in the gym)
(just my own music playlists)
weightlifting music:
HOT ROCKS
SOME GIRLS
LED ZEPPELIN GREATEST HITS 1
running music:
DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
REVOLVER
(because girls thought i ‘looked’ like an athlete then)
(because i was still lifting weights)
(and i did my best to seek friendships with athletes)
(or at least those who seemed strong + athletic)
(coach tim weiss advised me against it)
(i’m thankful for this)
otherwise i’d turn into mike baria
(and become a punching bag for ‘jesse jantzen’)
“HIGH SCHOOL WRESTLING”
SENIOR YEAR:
(captain of my high school wrestling team)
(watchung hills)
(only because there were only two seniors on the squad)
(the first year our team qualified for the state playoffs)
we lost in the first round
(but i won my match by points)
but i couldn’t beat anthony caruso (a sophomore) for the 189-pound slot
(and he couldn’t beat derrick shallcross for the 171-pound slot
so i ended up being forced to bump up to the 215-pound weight class
(even though i could’ve cut weight down to the 171-pound class)
i actually wrestled in the “heavyweight” (275 pound) division for a home match against piscataway…this was technically illegal…bumping up two weight classes is dangerous for a wrestler…but i pinned my opponent anyway…and the other team’s coach didn’t make a big deal of it…
uncle tony encouraged me to do as well as possible
(after i’d already been accepted into harvard)
we slept over their house one night (after a marino’s dinner) that year…
the next morning, we had a saturday morning wrestling doubleheader @ berkeley heights…
i won one match and forfeited the other…
girven was the coach for the opposing team…
i had ‘dear prudence’ in my head….
i was driven by my mother from the phillipsburg ‘pit’ to the watchung hills talent show after being pinned @ 189
i was beaten by north plainfield wrestler manuel kakas in an away match 5-1
(a year younger than me)
(the fat jew alex plotkin could’ve beaten him)
(colin knew that in the clutch, he’d probably be a better bet)
(even though i manhandled alex plotkin on a daily basis in practices)
(plotkin was always condescending to me, even though he “respected” my strength)
(plotkin ended up the “heavyweight” wrestler that year)
in the district tournament, i was pinned in the first round (third period) by some fat new providence wrestler…
(he was fourth seed / i was fifth seed)
(he ended up taking fourth place)
caruso, for his part, was pinned by brian mcfarlane of north plainfield in the 189-pound division…
(mcfarlane is now somehow friends with jess tuck)
(his younger brother alex also ended up winning two state wrestling championships @ 160 pounds)
(i do recall how the old man contrasted carl riccio’s utter tenacity (aka surrender to the fat italian agenda) on the wrestling mat with my own apathetic grappling)
and look where that got him! i was defeated in the first round of the districts two years in a row…all because i WANTED THE SEASON TO END! i dreamt of anthony caruso last night. he was two years younger than i but by my senior year he dominated me on the wrestling mat (just like he did to eric grodeck the year before). christopher bailey reminds me of a less condescending eric grodeck.
(i initially was quite prepared to fight for the 189-pound slot but i grew more and more apathetic as the grueling winter season wore on)
the old man was a wrestler
(too short for basketball)
captain of high school wrestling team (wardlaw-hartridge)
152 pounds
“almost” qualified for state tournament
(private school version)
his girlfriend / best friend “rushed him” during the consolation rounds
(they were late for a date)
“excuses…excuses…”
i started wrestling competitively in third grade
(once i stopped karate)
i pinned my first opponent in the first period
(a home match against madison)
eighth grade:
125-pound wrestler
(colin shallcross ended up cutting weight and pinning me in the first period of the end-of-year tournament in union)
“high school”
freshman year:
(135-pound junior varsity wrestler)
(couldn’t defeat colin shallcross / dallas kingsbury for 130-pound slot)
(kosnik as 135-lb senior captain starter)
(joe cassero @ 125-lb)
always imagined kosnick + cassero duet on ‘spoonful’ (cream cover version)
senior robobro #1 was the heavyweight wrestler that year…
(with a ton of drug problems)
junior robobro #2 was the 189-pound wrestler that year…
(too unsophisticated for drugs)
sophomore year:
couldn’t defeat daniel lizzi for the varsity 140-pound slot
(and couldn’t beat colin shallcross for the 152-pound slot)
alex pavlov defeated colin shallcross sophomore year in the district tournament
(so did michael stembridge of plainfield)
junior year:
first year as a “varsity wrestler”
171 pounds:
i was pinned by a scrub @ warren hills
(an away match)
(this pissed off the old man when we returned home that night)
i was pinned by rissmiller from p-burg
(then i went straight to the watchung hills talent show)
(i was “tech-falled” by jimmy keane of north plainfield)
(he had just come back from some wrist injury)
(he was a year older than me)
(it was a home match)
(at least i wasn’t pinned)
(i went out aggressively and kept forcing him out of bounds)
(but i had no other moves)
(but a few weeks earlier, colin price beat some previously undefeated union wrestler who’d beaten jimmy keane…it must’ve been a fluke)
he was manhandled by jimmy keane in the regional tournament
(a berkeley heights wrestler who eric grodeck had beaten)
(he had beaten me a few times before that)
price beat me on points in the first round of the district tournament
(we were both inherently lazy wrestlers)
younger brother got good at the end of his freshman year
(before this, he lingered in the shadows of carl riccio)
then carl riccio became a 160-pounder his sophomore year
(so mike went to 125)
younger brother won the 160-lb state championship as a high school senior
(defeating trevor suter of paulsboro 3-2)
but he didn’t pursue a collegiate wrestling career…
“professional wrestling” is a sham…
the best bet is to pursue a career in ultimate fighting…
while attending harvard, his little brother won the new jersey state wrestling championship @ 160 pounds. while boy E illegally battled his way to the heavyweights (for a piscataway match in which he pinned his opponent while down on points), champ zoned in @ 160. that very same year, his teammate carl riccio (a state contender @ 189 pounds) was paralyzed in a late-season bout.
(that very same year, harvard classmate “jesse jantzen” won the NCAA national wrestling championship @ ‘149 pounds’)
“winter sport”
the old man was a wrestler
(too short for basketball)
captain of high school wrestling team (wardlaw-hartridge)
152 pounds
“almost” qualified for state tournament
(private school version)
his girlfriend / best friend “rushed him” during the consolation rounds
(they were late for a date)
“excuses…excuses…”
i started wrestling in first grade (age 6)
(we wrestled on saturday mornings @ watchung hills gymnasium)
(scotland shallcross was my first coach)
(son colin was my age)
(out of warren NJ)
i started wrestling competitively in third grade
(once i stopped karate)
i pinned my first opponent in the first period
(a home match against madison)
eighth grade:
125-pound wrestler
(colin shallcross ended up cutting weight and pinning me in the first period of the end-of-year tournament in union)
“high school”
freshman year:
(135-pound junior varsity wrestler)
(couldn’t defeat colin shallcross / dallas kingsbury for 130-pound slot)
(kosnik as 135-lb senior captain starter)
(joe cassero @ 125-lb)
always imagined kosnick + cassero duet on ‘spoonful’ (cream cover version)
senior robobro #1 was the heavyweight wrestler that year…
(with a ton of drug problems)
junior robobro #2 was the 189-pound wrestler that year…
(too unsophisticated for drugs)
sophomore year:
couldn’t defeat daniel lizzi for the varsity 140-pound slot
(and couldn’t beat colin shallcross for the 152-pound slot)
alex pavlov defeated colin shallcross sophomore year in the district tournament
(so did michael stembridge of plainfield)
junior year:
first year as a “varsity wrestler”
171 pounds:
i was pinned by a scrub @ warren hills
(an away match)
(this pissed off the old man when we returned home that night)
i was pinned by rissmiller from p-burg
(then i went straight to the watchung hills talent show)
(i was “tech-falled” by jimmy keane of north plainfield)
(he had just come back from some wrist injury)
(he was a year older than me)
(it was a home match)
(at least i wasn’t pinned)
(i went out aggressively and kept forcing him out of bounds)
(but i had no other moves)
(but a few weeks earlier, colin price beat some previously undefeated union wrestler who’d beaten jimmy keane…it must’ve been a fluke)
he was manhandled by jimmy keane in the regional tournament
(a berkeley heights wrestler who eric grodeck had beaten)
(he had beaten me a few times before that)
price beat me on points in the first round of the district tournament
(we were both inherently lazy wrestlers)
senior year:
i was the watchung hills captain
(only because there were only two seniors on the squad)
(the first year our team qualified for the state playoffs)
we lost in the first round
(but i won my match by points)
but i couldn’t beat anthony caruso (a sophomore) for the 189-pound slot
(and he couldn’t beat derrick shallcross for the 171-pound slot
so i ended up being forced to bump up to the 215-pound weight class
(even though i could’ve cut weight down to the 171-pound class)
i actually wrestled in the “heavyweight” (275 pound) division for a home match against piscataway…this was technically illegal…bumping up two weight classes is dangerous for a wrestler…but i pinned my opponent anyway…and the other team’s coach didn’t make a big deal of it…
uncle tony encouraged me to do as well as possible
(after i’d already been accepted into harvard)
we slept over their house one night (after a marino’s dinner) that year…
the next morning, we had a saturday morning wrestling doubleheader @ berkeley heights…
i won one match and forfeited the other…
girven was the coach for the opposing team…
i had ‘dear prudence’ in my head….
i was driven by my mother from the phillipsburg ‘pit’ to the watchung hills talent show after being pinned @ 189
i was beaten by north plainfield wrestler manuel kakas in an away match 5-1
(a year younger than me)
(the fat jew alex plotkin could’ve beaten him)
(colin knew that in the clutch, he’d probably be a better bet)
(even though i manhandled alex plotkin on a daily basis in practices)
(plotkin was always condescending to me, even though he “respected” my strength)
(plotkin ended up the “heavyweight” wrestler that year)
in the district tournament, i was pinned in the first round (third period) by some fat new providence wrestler…
(he was fourth seed / i was fifth seed)
(he ended up taking fourth place)
caruso, for his part, was pinned by brian mcfarlane of north plainfield in the 189-pound division…
(mcfarlane is now somehow friends with jess tuck)
(his younger brother alex also ended up winning two state wrestling championships @ 160 pounds)
college:
i was ready to walk onto the harvard wrestling team
(coach tim weiss advised me against it)
(i’m thankful for this)
otherwise i’d turn into mike baria
become a punching bag for jesse jantzen
younger brother got good at the end of his freshman year
(before this, he lingered in the shadows of carl riccio)
then carl riccio became a 160-pounder his sophomore year
(so mike went to 125)
younger brother won the 160-lb state championship as a high school senior
(defeating trevor suter of paulsboro 3-2)
but he didn’t pursue a collegiate wrestling career…
“professional wrestling” is a sham…
the best bet is to pursue a career in ultimate fighting…
XXX
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