(in ‘march 2013,’ i made the ‘top 10’ of “NJ IDOL”)
(but didn’t make the ‘top 3’)
(age limit: ’15’ – ’29’)
(i auditioned this afternoon @ the ‘watchung arts center’ for “NJ idol”)
i was in the second wave (#8) of the 1pm auditions…
there was only one (of 3) judges that could attend (due to the audition being postponed for the following week…
i felt better than i had all week (although still quite tired) when el madre picked me up ’round 11am…
she filled up my cellphone with $50 worth of minutes and i stopped @ dunkin donuts for a small coffee…
when we went back to the house, the old man was gone…
i got angry (as usual) when i discovered that they’d torn down even more sections of my basement collage (without ever addressing the alleged “mystery mold” or cleaning the rugs)…
i took several copies of “tabula rasa” to hand out to the judges…
then i ate a (low sodium) burrito, some cranberries, and a lemon snapple while catching up on “HBO On Demand”…
i signed in and picked up a bottled water in the waiting room…
read a collection of american short stories / poems while waiting…
i was the third to audition from the group (friends and family of the contestants were allowed to sit in and watch)…
it was held in the same room that i’d performed in over 2 years ago…
the one judge in attendance was “mark d. conklin”…
an overweight grey-haired bespectacled man and alleged “award-winning songwriter”…
he brought along with him a middle-aged asian-american woman he claimed was a “professional vocalist”…
we were given 90 seconds to audition…
when i went up with my guitar, they told me i was required to perform “a cappella” (i must’ve not gotten the memo)…
i’ll be allowed to use the guitar if i make the next round…
then i got shaky as i struggled to come up with a song that would best go over a cappella…
i picked “katerina” (definitely a wrong choice)…
i only picked the song because it was the song i intended to do for my “american idol” audition back in september 2006…
(i balked at the last moment and chose to sing paul mccartney’s “big barn bed” and “back seat of my car” with several random melodic flourishes thrown in)…
i hate singing a cappella because i never start on the right note…then without a reference note i end up singing the song too low / too high…and the pauses between the vocal lines are kinda lame (i just ended up shakily snapping my fingers along)…definitely not a great performance by any means…then “mark” seemed to take pity on me and asked me to play a minute-long song with guitar…so i launched into “brainwashed”…my hands were shaky by now…i got through the first two verses and mark halted my vocal on the last vocal flourish (in a rather mocking manner)…both judges complimented my “strong powerful voice” and vocal range as well as my intensity…mark criticized my “unmemorable” song lyrics (even though i was probably the only contestant with original material)…the asian lady criticized my lack of connection with the “audience” (as usual i sang with my eyes closed)…i should find out early next week whether or not i make it to the next round…i definitely have the “novelty” aspect working in my favor (the oldest contestant / one of the few male contestants / one of the few instrumentalists / one of the few songwriters / etc)…but the other shitty contestants were complimented much more than i was so i’m not counting on it…i decided against giving CDs to the judges and didn’t even bother approaching them when the auditions were over…to make matters worse, i took a nasty shit in the men’s room while waiting for el madre to pick me up and locked the door instinctively (even though it was a multiple toilet + urinal facility)…as i was sitting on the toilet, i heard a knock on the door but couldn’t answer…when i finally finished, i realized it was “mark” that was knocking on the door…in the crowded corridor, i brushed right by him and was distracted by an overbearing middle-aged “folkie” lady who kept trying to start conversations with me about my guitar…when he entered the restroom, he musta noted the lingering scent…pop stars don’t take shits…
i should’ve sang “missed opportunities” a cappella…
so el madre drove me back to princeton…we stopped @ sonic on the way…then we went to the supermarket for food + toiletries…i lounged around for the rest of the afternoon and now i’m preparing to drink / dip…
i ended up making the “semifinal” round…it seems everyone else did as well (as i said, there were 23 addresses on the mass e-mail and there were two rounds of 10 for the friday and saturday night semifinals)…so on 23 february 2013 mama drove me to the watchung arts centers @ 6:15pm…i was given “#8” but was somehow fourth to perform…i decided to go for a solo acoustic guitar performance (i was the only person who played guitar (though two other contestants played piano))…abandoning my original repertoire, i decided to stick to a “helter skelter” / “take me to the river” medley (dropping the “born on the bayou”)…i was a bit nervous that the judges would stop the song after “helter skelter” (as we were only allowed a single song)…i sang OK…i didn’t quite nail the highest notes on “helter skelter” (so i resorted to harsh screaming)…the judges seemed impressed…mark d. conklin and lisa coppola (singer) were very complimentary, wondering why i wasn’t out playing a gig with my band that night…lou takacs (the resident entertainment lawyer) told me to back away from the mic when i went for the high notes…the 8pm performance was open to the public (tickets were $15)…there were 2 other males in the competition…one 22-year-old peruvian sang a karaoke version of eric clapton’s “change the world” and the judges were even more complimentary (though his heavy accent and gratuitous melismas totally ruined the sincerity of the song)…then a black chick sang duffy’s “release me” to even more acclaim…some 28-year-old weirdo girl sang (and signed) 4 non blondes’ “what’s up?” to even more acclaim…the rest of the acts were pretty terrible…i sat next to a WH (c/o 2009) blonde chick named erica “grace” kottler who seemed pretty flirtatious (although i see on FB that she has a boyfriend so why bother?)…
the final round is next saturday night…it will be whittled down to 10 contestants…the host of the proceedings “jim longo” seemed confident that i’d make the next round…each judge individually scores the contestants on a number of criteria…if i make the next round, i think i’ll borrow AI’s karaoke CD and perform “oh! darling”…that’ll be sure to impress the judges…
so i made it to the final round…i’ve gotta be there by 6:15pm…i need to have 2 songs ready…after the first song, the judges will select the final 3 contestants…audience participation will be a factor in the judging…
didn’t make the top 3 of “NJ idol”…how utterly embarrassing…i sang my heart out on “oh! darling” and received the strongest applause of the night by far…i simply e-mailed the karaoke mp3 to myself and then downloaded it to soundman mike’s laptop for the performance…the little faggot couldn’t even spell “joseph” right…
i was the fifth to perform…i didn’t sing the first “oh darling” line only because the “oh” didn’t have any instrumental backing and i wanted to make sure i came in on the right key (on “please believe me”)…i suppose i could’ve sang a bit better (especially on the first verse), but i still pulled it off real well…and i hit most of the high notes…when i fell to my knees on the two “fell down and died” lines, the audience started applauding mid-song (something that wasn’t done for any other contestant)…i did this even though el madre advised me not to do this on the ride to the show…
nevertheless, the judges found ways to criticize me…the female singer said i didn’t “look at the audience” enough…i don’t like looking at the audience when i perform, instead preferring to close my eyes and disappear into my own sonic realm…besides, even though “oh darling” is sung in the first person addressed to a second person, i didn’t want to pick out females in the audience to sing to (especially since the female judge was decidedly middle-aged)…furthermore, she said that she “closed her eyes” at several points during the performance to “isolate the vocals”…how did she know that i didn’t “connect with the audience” then?…that was the second time a middle-aged female singer criticized me for not “connecting with the audience” (three if you include izzy brereton)…the lawyer judge quipped he just was glad i “didn’t look at him” and had a wholly glowing review…the head “songwriter” judge criticized me for not playing my guitar like last time and dismissing me as a “really good karaoke singer” (even though he said i was his favorite vocal of the night, the contestants who made the top 3 all performed after me)…the next singer, a black female soul singer who was one of the top voices herself, wondered aloud before she performed “how she was gonna follow that”…
after the first performance, the audience was given a sheet of paper and asked to vote for the top 3 contestants…unfortunately, i had only one fan in the audience (my mother)…my grandmother skip was too sick to attend and everyone else (including the old man) must’ve been busy…it’s not like i advertised the event myself…i figured that the people in the audience there supporting a contestant would probably choose the two worst contestants for their other choices in the hopes of increasing the odds of their guy/girl winning…
audience vote accounted for 40% of the decision and judge’s scores accounted for 60% of the decision…the top 3 included a little blonde teenage waif singing a katy perry song on acoustic guitar, a plain jane brunette singing adele, and an obnoxious bearded white guy singing a 70s song on piano…i was forced to sit and watch their performance in the next round before storming out of there (skipping the picture ceremony)…el madre refused to leave as she didn’t want to appear “rude”…
at least el madre paid the march rent for me…
the landlord wrote me up a warning since i was a day late with the rent, “graciously” waiving the $7 penalty unless i was late again…at least the landlord didn’t mention the $342.44 i still owe eric paul in utilities…from now on i’ll just drop the check in an envelope into his mailbox so that i don’t have to deal with him…
el madre also went food shopping for me……
i may as well spend the remaining $300 in my bank account on booze…
all in all, i got absolutely nothing out of my participation in NJ idol…
(nothing ‘positive’ at least)
(nothing that even i (the ‘king of excuses’) can ‘spin into positive’)
i wasn’t able to plug my website, i didn’t sell any CDs, i wasn’t even billed as “joga”…
(i wasted 3 saturdays only to make it far enough so that i walked away empty-handed)
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(competed there 3 times in ‘march 2013’ for the “NJ idol” competition)
(then i walked out after i wasn’t selected for the ‘top 3’)
(another bridge burned…)
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👈👈👈☜-*WATCHUNG ARTS CENTER SHOWS* -☞ 👉👉👉
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💕💝💖💓🖤💙🖤💙🖤💙🖤❤️💚💛🧡❣️💞💔💘❣️🧡💛💚❤️🖤💜🖤💙🖤💙🖤💗💖💝💘
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*🌈✨ *TABLE OF CONTENTS* ✨🌷*
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥*we won the war* 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥