-as of [8 MAY 2024]–
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(i recall that for 3 years in high school i dutifully went to all the ‘annual formals’)
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(usually with some plain jane…only in one case (of 5) did i ever score a ‘trophy date’)
(“formals” were really the “revealers” of where one really “ranked” in the prevailing sexual hierachy)
(would one be a coward and avoid showing up altogether?)
(or risk humiliation by showing up alone?)
(or risk MORE humiliation by showing up with an “unattractive” date?)
(judging by the “communal rank”)
(that everyone seems to unconsciously adopt)
my five high school dates were as follows:
(i possess no pictures so you’ll have to take my word for it)
(the parents never showed up to take pictures…they were usually the only ones who didn’t…)
(junior year i attended the junior/senior semiformal with ‘jen millman’)
again i wanted to ask carmela gonnella but never got the chance / worked up the courage.
jen and i were in the same period 3 “government and politics” class and carmela had a spanish class down the hall
i’d always rush out of there when the bell rang in a vain attempt to catch up with her but the distance was such that i could never fight past the masses to pull off a casual catch-up…so finally jen asked me…i went to her house after the dance but my mommy picked me up as soon as jen pulled out the whiskey bottle…
i attended the junior prom with jess franko. a beast of a woman. we had the same english class with mister lee. since she’d been rather vocal in her attraction towards me, i figured that the most perfect course of action would be to go for the sure thing. i went to her house after the prom and got drunk on rum and lime juice. first time i ever got drunk. i felt like testing the waters and so i continued to drink until i felt the effect. 5 minutes later, the room started spinning. i went out to the back patio and started stealing cigarettes from people (even though i’d never smoked before). i started hitting on every girl in sight (and they were all plain janes). then i started jumping on the trampoline. my parents called the house several times to arrange for a pickup but i believe jess told them i’d be sleeping over. jess joined me on the trampoline. jess smothered me on the trampoline. i blacked out. i woke up on the basement couch. jess smothered me on the basement couch. we gamely made out but my virginal self (even in my blacked out state) discouraged her from having her way with me. i woke up under the ping-pong table…
by senior year my fantasy had shifted from carmela gonnella to nadia thursfield. we had the same after-lunch calculus BC class and i decided that i’d ask her to the junior/senior semiformal once the class let out. even though she was headed left and i was headed right, i followed her down and she said yes (though not with much enthusiasm). the night before the dance, i did a “test run” in my ford explorer from my house to her house to meg sattler’s house (for pictures) to angelo gage’s house (the site of the pre-party) to watchung hills (the site of the dance). that night, i’d had a particularly tough wrestling practice and so by the time i picked her up my windows were embarrassingly foggy from my perspiration. again, my parents (and nadia’s parents for that matter) were the only ones who didn’t attend this pictorial event and so no visual record exists of the evening. she didn’t seem particularly thrilled to have her picture taken with me and i don’t recall many solo shots of us. being football teammates with angelo gage, i was more comfortable at the pre-party…even going so far as to chug a beer with the rest of the gang despite my neurotic fears about “drunk driving”. once we got to the dance, nadia completely avoided me. in fact, i don’t believe we danced at all. when it came time to leave, i was anxious to discover the site of the after-party. turns out this was the one dance where no one thought to organize one. just my luck. so i drove nadia back to her house to change out of her dress. as i waited in her family room, i picked up an old guitar and began strumming. her british father came out to talk to me. he asked me what i wanted to do with my life. i said i wanted to be a professional musician. he didn’t seem particularly thrilled. so in lieu of an after-party, nadia and i went out to TGI Friday’s @ the blue star shopping center. the ice began to melt. i drove her back to her house. as she exited the car, i awkwardly told her that i “liked her a lot” and asked her “what her feelings were for me”. she told me she liked me as a friend.
(i should’ve just went in for the kiss)
(i drove to the watchung hills parking lot to meditate as led zeppelin’s “going to california” blared from the stereo speakers via “Q104.3”)
(i froze ‘nadia’ out for the remainder of the school year)
i recall that for 3 years in high school i dutifully went to the annual formals (usually with some plain jane…only in one case (of 5) did i ever score a ‘trophy date’)
my five high school dates were as follows:
(i possess no pictures so you’ll have to take my word for it)
(the parents never showed up to take pictures…they were usually the only ones who didn’t…)
junior year i attended the junior/senior semiformal with jen millman. again i wanted to ask carmela gonnella but never got the chance / worked up the courage. jen and i were in the same period 3 “government and politics” class and carmela had a spanish class down the hall. i’d always rush out of there when the bell rang in a vain attempt to catch up with her but the distance was such that i could never fight past the masses to pull off a casual catch-up…so finally jen asked me…i went to her house after the dance but my mommy picked me up as soon as jen pulled out the whiskey bottle…
i attended the junior prom with jess franko. a beast of a woman. we had the same english class with mister lee. since she’d been rather vocal in her attraction towards me, i figured that the most perfect course of action would be to go for the sure thing. i went to her house after the prom and got drunk on rum and lime juice. first time i ever got drunk. i felt like testing the waters and so i continued to drink until i felt the effect. 5 minutes later, the room started spinning. i went out to the back patio and started stealing cigarettes from people (even though i’d never smoked before). i started hitting on every girl in sight (and they were all plain janes). then i started jumping on the trampoline. my parents called the house several times to arrange for a pickup but i believe jess told them i’d be sleeping over. jess joined me on the trampoline. jess smothered me on the trampoline. i blacked out. i woke up on the basement couch. jess smothered me on the basement couch. we gamely made out but my virginal self (even in my blacked out state) discouraged her from having her way with me. i woke up under the ping-pong table…
by senior year my fantasy had shifted from carmela gonnella to nadia thursfield. we had the same after-lunch calculus BC class and i decided that i’d ask her to the junior/senior semiformal once the class let out. even though she was headed left and i was headed right, i followed her down and she said yes (though not with much enthusiasm). the night before the dance, i did a “test run” in my ford explorer from my house to her house to meg sattler’s house (for pictures) to angelo gage’s house (the site of the pre-party) to watchung hills (the site of the dance). that night, i’d had a particularly tough wrestling practice and so by the time i picked her up my windows were embarrassingly foggy from my perspiration. again, my parents (and nadia’s parents for that matter) were the only ones who didn’t attend this pictorial event and so no visual record exists of the evening. she didn’t seem particularly thrilled to have her picture taken with me and i don’t recall many solo shots of us. being football teammates with angelo gage, i was more comfortable at the pre-party…even going so far as to chug a beer with the rest of the gang despite my neurotic fears about “drunk driving”. once we got to the dance, nadia completely avoided me. in fact, i don’t believe we danced at all. when it came time to leave, i was anxious to discover the site of the after-party. turns out this was the one dance where no one thought to organize one. just my luck. so i drove nadia back to her house to change out of her dress. as i waited in her family room, i picked up an old guitar and began strumming. her british father came out to talk to me. he asked me what i wanted to do with my life. i said i wanted to be a professional musician. he didn’t seem particularly thrilled. so in lieu of an after-party, nadia and i went out to TGI Friday’s @ the blue star shopping center. the ice began to melt. i drove her back to her house. as she exited the car, i awkwardly told her that i “liked her a lot” and asked her “what her feelings were for me”.
she told me she liked me as a friend.
i should’ve just went in for the kiss.
.
(i drove to the watchung hills parking lot to meditate as led zeppelin’s “going to california” blared from the stereo speakers via ‘Q104.3’)
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(i froze nadia out for the remainder of the ‘school year’…)
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💕💝💖💓🖤💙🖤💙🖤💙🖤❤️💚💛🧡❣️💞💔💘❣️🧡💛💚❤️🖤💜🖤💙🖤💙🖤💗💖💝💘
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*🌈✨ *TABLE OF CONTENTS* ✨🌷*
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥*we won the war* 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥