*leap year*
(started on a ‘sunday’)
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*JANUARY 2012*
(release of “make a wish” album to itunes)
(arrest for “simple assault” against the old man)
(kicked out of 91 carrar drive basement)
(after release from somerset county jail after a week, move into mother’s mother’s home in fanwood NJ)
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*JANUARY 23*
*the ‘european union’ adopts an embargo against -IRAN- in protest of its continued effort to enrich ‘uranium’*
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*FEBRUARY 2012*
(exile to the “jersey shore mansion”)
(performance with roboray @ “sidewalk NYC”)
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*APRIL 2012*
(one month of work as ‘guitar sales associate’ in springfield NJ)
(the GMC yukon finally breaks down for good and is sold for less than $1K)
(return to bally total fitness in brick NJ as “fitness trainer”)
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*SUMMER 2012*
(move to 12 sunnydale street in brick NJ)
(the “damkani den”)
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*SEPTEMBER 2012*
(end of “probation” in massachusetts for DWI)
(move to 61 clearview avenue in princeton NJ)
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*NOVEMBER 2012*
(film shoot for “weirdos” in austin TX)
(arrest for “public intoxication” @ austin airport)
(beginning of busking sessions on the ‘princeton campus’)
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“AMBER ALERT”
“apocalypse now”
2012 has certainly been the worst year of my life…
let me count the ways…
spent 6 days in somerset county jail for “simple assault”…
had a temporary restraining order filed for father / mother / sister
required to complete a psychiatric evaluation…
got kicked out of my house…
had my basement collage torn down…
ended communication with the old man (and his entire side of the family) as well as the little sis…
ended up living for a month with my boring old grandmother…
(i continued to drink despite her asking me not to)
(in one case, i sliced my hand open after walking back from the liquor store one night and dropping my jug of cheap white wine…)
(had her call my uncle after she found me pissing outside @ 2am…only because i didn’t want to wake her up after she complained of late-night toilet-flushing in her tiny house)
(left the attic such a mess that el madre was forced to hire a cleaning lady…)
got a ticket for running a red light…
started working BACK @ guitar center (and quit without giving two-weeks notice after slacking off and not selling any guitars)
started working BACK @ bally total fitness
(although my boozing led to me only gaining 1 regular client)…
got in a fender bender on route 35…
ended up selling the yukon (after running out of gas numerous times on the garden state parkway due to the gas gauge being broken)…
ended up getting kicked out of the jersey shorehouse…
ended up renting a filthy room in brick with an out-of-control landlord who’d repeatedly barge into my room (whether or not i was there)…
stumbled into my roommate’s thousand-dollar television after a drunken 4th of july…
spent all other holidays (including valentine’s day / mother’s day / easter / thanksgiving) without friends or family…
had the brick police drive me home after crashing my bicycle on the side of the road one night…
had the brick police investigate me for taking pictures of the little girls across the street…
imac hard drive crashed (due to a faulty component of the system though the apple store attributed it to tobacco smoke)…
broke my iphone due to drunken mishaps (and owe over $400 to AT&T in backdated cellphone bills after they shut off my service and threatened to report me to a collections agency)
got kicked out of a 48-hour alcohol education program for showing up drunk (after months of effort on my part to sign up for the program)
required to complete an “evaluation” with a substance abuse counselor…
got my probation for a massachusetts DWI extended by a month…
(which required two 8am court appearances in massachusetts)
ended up not being able to find work in princeton despite constant efforts (couldn’t even get a job @ quiznos despite training there unpaid for a week) due to my utter incompetence with food…
kicked out numerous times @ the local ivy inn (as well as the princeton sports bar and grill) for drunkenness…
couldn’t book a big anywhere in princeton (so i resorted to busking on the streets to much acclaim)…
didn’t have sex (just a hookup with a black chick and a blonde fatty)…and even the blonde fattie’s gay roommate threatened to call the cops on me after i barged into their house one afternoon in a drunken rage
constantly masturbating…
constantly drinking (and smoking cigarettes / chewing tobacco)
(which is why i’m constantly broke…)
stopped showering / exercising / brushing my teeth
(routinely oversleeping…)
resorting to stealing food from my roommates (despite their protests to the landlord)…
having roommates complain about my music…
spent a saturday in the hospital for alcohol poisoning…which means i owe thousands in medical bills that i can’t pay…
had my power down for a week due to hurricane sandy…
drunkenly stumbled into my bedroom wall, leaving a hole in it the size of my fat ass…
arrested for public intoxication in austin and lost my driver’s license + guitar (and spent thanksgiving in jail)…pled guilty so now that is on my permanent record…
banned from the malchow residence and the blumberg residence…
(paul recommended to my mother that i be taken to the emergency room…)
missed my 10-year high school reunion…
alienated dozens of former friends with my digital ranting…some blocked me on facebook…constantly paranoid that one of them will report me to the police (for lewd conversations with teenage girls)…totally alienated my ex-girlfriend with my ranting…
got my social security # stolen (which prevented me from getting a job @ radioshack)
had the princeton landlord threaten to kick me out of the house for not keeping bathroom / kitchen clean…
unable to sell off my PA system at the local guitar center…
my family refuses to spend christmas with me (even though i attempted a reconciliation with the old man)…
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(“boy E” accompanies the gatti family to the jersey shore during the summer months)
(cue *cocoa court*)
(he encounters the alegria family…)
profile of alegria sisters as muse (and ultimate catalyst for action of the story)
(cue “grapplers”)
(greek chorus of little rainbow-colored nymphettes:)
(“dumb angels”)
little redhead “bell” singing the intro (based on tara hannon)
(coordinated dance with the alegrias)
like a storyteller:
‘it all went down in ‘bout a matter of days…’ (a vocal round)
*the alegria sisters*
(cue *alegria*)
amanda alegria:
(born 2002)
ashley alegria:
(born 2004)
(labor day 2010)
(425 cocoa court, chadwick beach island, NJ)
(cue amanda alegria:)
“this sidewalk is before…all this is before we made…neighbors!…in action!”
(cue joga + roboray performing “i saw her standing there” @ the chadwich beach island)
(*with an audience consisting of middle-aged yuppies and their young children*)
he’d never shown much interest in the next-door neighbors ’til he met their granddaughters…
(ages 8 and 10)
one light blonde, one light brunette. they broke the proverbial ice one late summer afternoon by crabbing off their shared back dock into the lagoon. he’d been heavily drinking the night before at the local bar (used-to-be’s) since it was the final night of labor day weekend 2010 harkening the conclusion of another summer. the next morning, he drank bloody marys on the alegria back deck before establishing the “crabbing enterprise” on the gatti deck with the two girls. an avid amateur filmmaker, he was armed with both a flip video camera and iphone 4 video camera. the three were producing a film that they decided to call “neighbors in action” (amanda came up with the title). after crabbing, the trio took a ride on the family waverunner. when they returned, the old man was vigilantly suspicious (the father of the girls was allegedly merely casually suspicious). a few months later, over dinner @ the stonehouse restaurant, joseph made a subsequent insinuation that padre antonio didn’t quite approve of a 26-year-old weirdo filming his prepubescent daughters. i got bad vibes from beverly as well. i merely thought of lewis carroll. at the same time, the old man did assert to the family that i was an “all-around artist” that day in order to justify my filmmaking escapades.
amanda (innocently): “why did you put coins on your guitar”?
joga (as john ruskin) launches into a lecture on aesthetics
(the girls pretend to understand as they smile and nod their heads)
i always hoped of running into them the following summer…but i rarely did…if it was raining they’d be in their grandparents’ house…if it was sunny, they’d be off doing something else…
i befriended their mother “chrissy” (another “christine”) and their father’s mother “beverly” on facebook. and then i saw pictures of ashley as a cheerleader. i feared the worst. i always felt sorry for cheerleaders (especially since our athletic teams were never very good). it seemed like they were forced into conforming to a gender role that only enhanced self-consciousness. and self-consciousness is a major turn-off for me. it is the very enemy of beauty.
i’d obtained chrissy’s email address (“calegria16”) and e-mailed her the next spring offering guitar/voice lessons @ $40/hour (volunteering to go to their house armed with guitar/amp/books). she said that amanda was “too busy” that spring but suggested the possibility of summer lessons. she also complimented me on the music videos that i’d made with her daughters (“all of our family so it and enjoyed it sooo much”…)
i last saw the alegria girls in april 2012…i was living by myself at the family shorehouse…they were crabbing as usual…they ventured onto my back deck as soon as i came out…i’d been drinking vodka all afternoon…i put a fishhead in our microwave and stunk up the entire house…
i asked amanda to smell my stinky-fish hand…
(day turns into night)
(cue the beach boys’ “the night was so young”)
*joga closes his eyes as the girls in the greek chorus rapidly age into seductive nymphs*
JAILBAIT
(labor day 2012)
“the children are missing…”
the clock strikes midnight as anthony junior and christina blissfully stumble to anthony senior’s bayside estate after an evening of wine coolers and oldies tunes (performed by thoroughly middle-aged men) at the nearby bay beach. they have left their two daughters amanda and ashley (age 10 and age 8) in the care of anthony senior and his wife beverly.
fast asleep on the living room couch. a rerun of “the jersey shore” playing out on the television….
“the jersey shore”. the most popular program on “music television” from 2009 to 2012. elevating guidosaurs to iconic status. the very reptilian primates he had so valiantly battled in sweaty seaside nightclubs during the summer of 2008…
(with increasingly panicked quivers in their screams…)
“amanda!”
“ashley!”
“aaamaaanda!”
“aaashley!”
“AMANDA!”
“ASHLEY!”
the house is ransacked in a fit of parental panic. all pretenses of politesse are thrown to the wind as neighbors are frantically awoken…
“from harvard to handcuffs”
memorial day 2011:
joga drives solo to cambridge for his 5-year college reunion…he had actually graduated with the class of 2005…but since he enrolled with the class of 2006, he decided to attend this reunion instead…
“the kidnapping”
(the alegria sisters, amanda and ashley, ages 10 and 8)
(cue *mayday*)
(as the kidnapping takes place in pitch black) (only breaking glass and screams are heard)
the kidnapping takes place at midnight…
their parents (“chrissy” + “anthony”) stumble into anthony’s parents’ beach house after another in a long line of high school reunions…
the grandparents alfred and beverly have long since fallen asleep…
the two drunken parents start screaming at the old fogies for their senile irresponsibility once they discover the children are missing…
(cue *amber alert*)
the bozo local police, ill-prepared for such an emergency, perform a comically incompetent search of the premises in a herky-jerky panic…
(one over-eager young guido cop keeps showily diving into the lagoon equipped with no more than snorkles)
(a newscaster reports:)
(“similar kidnappings are occurring at alarming rates across the state”)
(FOLLOWS 3 SUSPECTS:)
“john doe 1”
(nutcase)
“john doe 2”
(manboy)
“john doe 3”
(conman)
(“the guilty party”)
(ultimately a brainwashed servant of the old men)
earnest white male newscaster: “you’re about to meet a serial killer…”
(as his faux-frantic parents, a stone-faced old man and hysterical old woman, are interviewed by the earnest white male newscaster and an oprah clone who offers pseudo-sympathy to the parents as the network’s ratings soar to unprecedented levels…)
(the authorities analyze his youtube channel)
(featuring an elaborate stageshow and a pathetically sparse audience)
(each song is capped with a “yea!” grunt from AI)
(and joga films himself on a primitive flip cam on tripod)
(pella-bear’s turtle head keeps blocking the performance)
(the audience consists of a smattering of fat italians)
joey looks at pictures of girls from the past in his lonely bedroom
(cue *jose rose*)
he decides to commit suicide at last…
(*cue “sacdawg suicide”*)
joey envisions a choreographed family routine as he prepares to pull the trigger…
(cue “meatheart”)
(with the suicide blast, the joga balloons are released to the sky)
(*cue “big bang”*)
(cheryl discovers joey’s lifeless body in his bedroom)
(with boy E nuzzled up next to the corpse)
(1 month later:)
(the old man looks through a photo album in his bedroom)
(cue *village green*)
(*a green balloon descends from the sky and falls near watchung lake*)
(roll credits)
(*cue “fruit” coda*)
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*👨🔬🕵️♀️🙇♀️*SKETCHES*🙇♂️👩🔬🕵️♂️*
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👈👈👈☜*CONTEMPORARY HISTORY* ☞ 👉👉👉
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💕💝💖💓🖤💙🖤💙🖤💙🖤❤️💚💛🧡❣️💞💔💘❣️🧡💛💚❤️🖤💜🖤💙🖤💙🖤💗💖💝💘
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*🌈✨ *TABLE OF CONTENTS* ✨🌷*
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥*we won the war* 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥